8:23 AM

Oh Elder Tree,

Good news! My dearest friend has been granted work at the runeforge with me. She will begin on the 16th of Emberspell. As for my work at the runeforge, it's been at a bit of a standstill. Many major contracts are being unresponsive. It makes me quite nervous. There is also the fear of wasting my time on work they don't want. One of the contracts is for the Soldiers of Milwaukenn. They have quite a fragile reputation.

I lack routine. I am deciding right here, right now, that I am going to establish it. Every morning... I make tea.

8:25 AM

Oh Elder Tree,

As you may have guessed, the prospective items arrived. I have yet to find a chance to try the tea maker, including the teas. Yesterday, me and the diadem had a conversation. Each time we do, I find myself hopeful, my mind swayed in some form. How do you distinguish a facade? Will this cycle ever stop? Is this endless chase required forever?

10:17 AM

One might say I get distracted easily. It's true, I do. I get hyperfocused on tasks at hand and essentially neglect bodily functions and those I love. At least I'm a good employee for capitalism.

8:39 AM

Oh Elder Tree,

I have come upon some new items and others are on the way. The first of these, are special teas. Four brews including: Indigo Punch, Organic Green, Organix Bancock, and finally, Dragon Pearl Jasmine. A kettle and toaster are on the way to accomodate these items as well as a mystic tea maker. Another thing that arrived includes a tree for the felines of the abode. Green in color, it is sure to excite them. Other things on the way include a special vessel of disposal for the smallest feline. Many things to look forward to.

7:09 AM

Oh Elder Tree,

The diadem told me a tale, and I don't believe it to be true. Recently, I have felt trapped due to the disfunction of one of our vessels. For some reason, I was under the impression that we were saving coin to get it repaired, and that we had a lot of coin saved up--nearly 100,000 coin. I have vivid memory of talking about this with the diadem weeks ago. Then yesterday, I asked the diadem, "Diadem, oh diadem, grant me access to your oeuvre, how much coin do we have in reserve?" to which it replied "5000 coin".

This isn't even 3 percent of what we need.

I added 50,000 coin to the reserves immediately, to get us closer to the 220,000 coin goal. I want the vessel to be fixed up for a multitude of reasons. But mainly, two vessels opens up so many possibilities.

A bit of a sad change of subject, I learned that the creator of the amulet has died. From what I can tell, they were highly revered.

8:03 AM

Oh Elder Tree,

I have done something, surely [redacted], but oh so satisfying. I dug up [redacted]. I know I might [redacted] too many relics, but I [redacted]. Perhaps I secretly wish for my demise. I can't help but realize I have grown an irreversible [redacted] towards the [redacted]. I just need something. I feel trapped, I feel like I'm in danger. I feel like I am carrying others' jugs of waters on my shoulders and leaving mine behind. I guess today, at the very least, I just wanted to let a bit of that water spill. I'll let you know if I end up drowning.

8:26 AM

My feline seems to be loving and trusting when the [redacted] is not [redacted]. I don't think this to be a coincidence. [redacted] may feel unsafe. Like his autonomy is compromised. As if his natural boundaries are crossed. Perhaps it is not the way [redacted] him, but rather that even when it's innocent, there's something off. Something unpleasant. It makes perfect sense to me. This is how [redacted] makes me feel.

7:55 AM

Oh Elder Tree,

It has been a stretch of time. My sojourn was filled with theatre, and briefly, sport. It passes so quickly every time. Now I am back, here at the Runeforge, and although I love my trade, were any of us meant to work like this? As per usual, I will start the day and realize I don't mind it at all. But, right now, I am sleepy, so I think about sleep.

7:45 AM

Oh Elder Tree,

Currently, I am trying to learn the difference between healthy acceptance and complacency. I don't want to live a mundane life. I think it's why I don't enjoy the prospect of "settling down" and/or "having a child".

Sport was not so good yesterday. Morale was...lacking. Some people seemed upset. I didn't feel fulfilled like last week--it made me extremely sad. Maybe instead of leagues, I should try pickup. I think that would be good for me.

I should apologize; I know I'm all over the place and even incoherent. I am exhausted this morning, and I feel unsure about so many things in my life.

8:08 AM

Don't ask me to explain it, but it feels like a cold Fall morning in 2017. I almost feel as if I could walk outside and see drunk, leafless trees, struggling to remain standing. Or, feel newborn wind that has a bad habit of biting. But, no, the high is 101. The trees are sober, and the wind is mature.

7:54 AM

Oh Elder Tree,

I am sorry, but I don't have much to say. I'm just unhappy.

8:25 AM

Oh Elder Tree,

I am sad to say that I am already getting to a point where I struggle to keep talking to you. Maybe I'm being lazy or maybe I don't have any real goals or ambitions to latch on to. I feel as if I have many ideas and dreams in my mind, but I can never focus on one long enough to do anything real. Am I ambitious? Or do I just respond strongly to personal hype?

In other news, it's a great day, because one of my best confidantes was born this day, 24 years ago. I gifted her a velvet cathedra, green in color and much better than the iron stump she had been using before. If I am being honest, however, I am unsure she will even want it. Fingers crossed.

9:43 AM

Oh Elder Tree,

I feel quite tired this morning, and I couldn't tell you why. I went to the clothier--the one that sells used items for little coin. I was disappointed to see that many of the clothes there were cheap garbage. The apparel industry is being overrun by a desire for cheap goods and a disregard for the processes in which they are made available. I want to begin looking at aspects of my life and determining how I might be able to be more self sufficient. Or atleast, return to a time where money was well spent. One blouse for 6000 coins that lasts a decade is much better than twelve blouses for 500 coins that last 3 months. And shampoo is a sham. And we weaken our crops.

8:08 AM

Oh Elder Tree,

My unhappiness must have been glaring yesterday. As I tried my best to be more assertive, while remaining kind and happy, the diadem caught on to my true underlying feelings. So now, it knows. The diadem seems to have morphed. Changed. And as much as I'd like to believe it will remain that way, it's difficult. It would be wrong to ask of the diadem to change for me.

In other news, I don't know what to do with my Saturn's Day. Whenever I was alone, I always seemed to have something I knew I wanted to do. I feel unmotivated to start new things because I have little faith I will be able to do them regularly. That's the downside of having a job and relationships, I suppose. I think I need to reevaluate my values. I might even make a rulebook of them. I am a kendama with no ball. I am just a wooden handle.

9:08 AM

Oh Elder Tree,

I feel a bit strange. I think that I have gradually become more and more unhappy. And at first I believed it was being caused by a diadem I discovered on the Crete d'amour. But, the longer I think about it, the more I realize the diadem had nothing to do with it. When I had obsession over another of my prized posessions, a magic lamp, for a time, I was at my happiest. I felt adventurous, I felt confident, and I felt free. This was the first time in my entire life I had felt this way. When I was abruptly separated from the lamp, and began carrying the diadem instead, I was led to believe it was causing my unhappiness. But now, I think perhaps the diadem was never a strain on my life. Perhaps the diadem makes no difference at all. However, the lamp...the lamp gave my life light. That light has been dimmed to normalcy.

8:07 AM

Oh Elder Tree,

I've recently come upon a tiny companion. A kitten. He is rowdy, but very sweet and gentle. I fear that I love him, and that scares me. Sport was fun yesterday. My team didn't win, however we got much further than we should have. There were numerous moments where we took over, but I guess we just never could pull it out. My poor love could not sleep last night. He works a long day today, and I feel for him. He told me yesterday that he is unhappy, his life feels imbalanced. It is a problem many face, but shouldn't have to. If there is an afterlife, let it be an afterlife in which time is obsolete, so we might finish achieving our ambitions.

5:40 PM

Oh Elder Tree,

You might have noticed I am writing from a different place. Furthermore, you might have noticed it's been a year since we last spoke. I don't work at the apothecary any longer. I am a part of a far better trade, more aligned with my ambitions. It's allowed me to exercise my artistic abilities. They spread across my brain as the tentacles of jellyfish. I also joined a league of sport. Namely, volleyball. Today is our first game. Tell me Tree, why must sweets harden when you want them to melt?

9:05 AM

Oh Elder Tree,

Good morning. I failed yet again to write to you. However, I feel that if I want these conversations to be sustainable, I will have to miss a few days.

Today I am heading towards Dalloria to see Noah. I wish that I wasn’t so nervous as to be boring or lame. I really want to skip to the part of our relationship where I am unafraid to do anything and stop fearing that they would discover who I am at my core and leave me in the dust.

What’s ironic is that this has never happened. Perhaps because of my relentless tendency to hyper analyze every single one of my actions. Ironically, one thing I am thinking in particular is that I told Noah about this journal. I do things like this all the time. I want to be asked about them, elaborate on them, etc.

Spending so much time alone was good for me in the sense that I don’t just automatically latch myself onto anyone who gives me attention.

Well, that isn’t true.

Spending so much time alone was good for me in the sense that just because someone gives me attention, I don’t feel the need to date them. However, being alone was bad for me in the sense that I was able to develop more… embarrassing or dorky hobbies to their utmost degree without having to explain it to anyone. But, now I do. My best friend is the only person whom I’ve truly felt cared about my pointless stories and worldbuilding and dumb ventures. I care a lot about these things and I fear that if someone were to convince me they weren’t worth my time or that they were dumb I would stop doing them.

I just babbled a lot.

Anyways, I believe we are going to the park possibly and walking around places? I keep forgetting, I’m not totally sure.

Hopefully I can just be myself and relax.

Until next time, Tree.

7:59 PM

Oh Elder Tree,

We have not spoken in such a long time. I apologize for the delay. Regarding my travels, I am not sure if I want to continue or give up. They have not been as fulfilling as I was hoping, which is disappointing as they have been costly. As for my grandfather, he was fine.

As for Noah, he was fine.

Noah and I share some odd similarities. Seemingly trivial, they make me feel some kind of way. I think compatibility is often confused with having similar interests. I think compatibility lies in similar behaviors, beliefs or conventions. Often those can lead to similar interests.

I feel somewhat guilty. He asked me to be his girlfriend and although it’s almost definitely heading that way, I said I wasn’t ready to call it that.

I have a sinking feeling. What if I am just gearing up to experience what I have experienced every time?

What if it is all for not again? I’d rather die alone.

At the same time, and in direct opposition, I catch myself imagining us together for 50 years. At this point, with all that I know, I wouldn’t mind having him as a life partner. Not that I would be ready to have that commitment, but that I would love to know him for the rest of my life. I desire to know every intricate detail about his mind, hobbies, body, heart, soul.

But I have felt this way many times. And it has always gone the same. If I ever have my heart broken again, I legitimately will never love again. It is already so hard.

10:10 AM

Oh Elder Tree,

What a day I had yesterday!

Firstly, my travels did not go well. I had to turn back rather far into the trip, but I plan on embarking again today. It is not heavy on my soul.

What is however (in the most positive way) is the person you might remember me mentioning on the 18th of Emberspell. However, today, I will share with you his name.

Noah.

I find him quite pretty and witty. He is a bard and also sells instruments. He is extremely talented. Last night from 9:00 PM to 3:00 AM or so, we talked. He spoke of his frequent ventures with his friends. We spoke of our lives and interests. He frequently reminded me of my beauty, which I have not experienced in a long time. At least not from someone who didn’t make me feel uncomfortable while they did so.

I look forward to spending more time with him. I am terrified, but I am hopeful. May the gods grab me by the shoulders and shake me should I fall into my old patterns. Please don’t break my heart, Noah.

In other news, we received some rather unsettling news this morning. It may be my grandfather’s last. I do not know the man well, so I don’t feel that it will be heavy on me. What will weigh heavily, however, is how my mother might feel. If there is anything that causes me great struggle and turmoil, it is seeing my mother struggle. What I would give so that she never had to struggle. I love her. She has been through so many things that truly no one should have to go through, but especially not the most selfless person I have ever known. She deserves the best the world has to offer. And yet, she has received some of the worst. And on top of all of those things, still believes that a good god would allow it.

But I digress. I hope she is okay.

9:40 AM

Oh Elder Tree,

Things are looking up for me I think. Something has changed since I cast away the amulet and started speaking to you. Hopefully the trend continues. It felt like a never-ending trial I was facing, but now it is done. Until the next. I have fantastic news as well. I am embarking on a new journey. I am venturing to Baldur’s Gate. I leave today as soon as I finish this entry. I will need to use a spell to disguise myself as I cannot do this journey as Aubrey. I will have to become someone else.

I shall return soon with updates on my travels.

11:43 AM

Oh Elder Tree,

I am in a rush. I forgot to grab a potion before heading to the apothecary. Hopefully I am strong enough just as I am. I will let you know how it goes..

8:56 PM

It was a wonderful day! I did well at the apothecary, and it wasn’t too boring.

In other news, I think I might have met someone I could actually see myself dating or being with long term. It is early days, but I have that gut feeling.

I fear that I have been leading someone else on. However, I have been open to them about my interest in this other person.

10:09 AM

Oh Elder Tree,

Today is a Sunday, which means I am required to attend sanctum. They preach a religion there in which I do not partake in. I revealed this to my kinfolk nearly 4 years ago now. They did not take it well, but they also have not been as bad as I thought they would be. Although, they have their moments.

Lately, I have been taking the carriage to sanctum, but hiding in it instead of attending. My mother asks me about church and mentions something in the sermon, and I fear that she will catch me off guard and figure out what I have been doing. For that reason, I will probably attend today.

Attending either brews a feeling of rage within me or amusement. It depends on how toxic I believe the message to be and who it is directed towards.

For example, the lector once called out all the nonbelievers reminding us of our fate to burn. These types of things don’t fill me with rage. They make me laugh. However, when the lector overgeneralizes me and all the other nonbelievers, feeding the crowd these stigmas and lies, that fills me with rage. For example, the lector claimed that believers have an eternal mindset while Non-believers do not. This is simply not true, and I would almost argue it to be the opposite as far as this realm is concerned.

For a nonbeliever, we understand that this realm IS all that we have got, so we better leave it healthy for the next generation. We are often the ones more concerned with the wellbeing of Mother Realm.

However, many of the believers think that nothing we do will be the end of this realm. They believe that this realm is only a fraction of our existence and therefore not worthy of receiving utmost care. They believe that they know the end of the world and we have nothing to do with it.

This is also, hypocritically, an overgeneralization. However, it is an easy example of how you might be able to interpret the mindsets differently.

Thank you for your time, Tree. I shall return with the results of whether or not I attended sanctum.

10:25 AM

I just discovered that sanctuary can be projected with magic. I may observe it from a distance.

3:28 PM

Greetings, Tree. Sanctum was a whole lot of nothing if I am being completely honest. I plan to spend today exercising my creativity.

7:51 AM

Oh Elder Tree,

I have a shorter workday today. It is only 4 hours, however I am at the busiest apothecary. Part of me wonders if it will be the same as it is on Mondays and Thursdays, however, I have heard their claims of working on this day. It is wild. I shall return with my experience. I should hope that I don’t make too many dumb mistakes.

5:28 PM

My venture to the apothecary went very well. I would say that the potion worked! Furthermore, I actually got to leave the apothecary early and venture to another. I delivered some supplies to the apothecary in Waxhaven from the one in Mansfeld.

As for the rest of my day, I am unsure how to fill my time. I thought of possibly waiting by the docks and spotting pirates, but perhaps putting my creative mind to use is more valuable.

I must also mention, as I cannot keep secrets from The Elder Tree. I opened the box and lightly tapped the amulet. It seems that it still has a hold on me. I shall not allow it to tempt me again. I admit, this was a moment of weakness. A potion of restraint may be needed tomorrow.

As you will come to know, Elder Tree, I am in a constant state of pondering. For example, I was staring through a pole and focused on a tree behind it. I began to think of how even though one of my eyes could not see through the pole, because the other was positioned just outside of it, I could make up an image in full, and my mind would ignore the pole completely.

I then turned my attention to a horizontal bar blocking my view. This, I could not see through for obvious reasons. Until I tilted my head ever so slightly so that one of my eyes was no longer covered. This caused the bar to disappear. And perhaps that is why we tilt our heads when we are confused. To see if there is something right in front of our face we need to vanish. Perhaps that is magic in and of itself.

10:57 AM

Oh Elder Tree,

I am inclined to say that the potion of stamina worked. However, it seemed to make time pass much slower even though I felt energized. It was only at the very end of my day that I felt tired. Luckily, because of sleep, this is the goal.

I regret to say that I had to part with one of my favorite magical items. It was an amulet that I had discovered last year while looking for bees.

At first it was great, it seemed to bring great fortune and I carried it everywhere with me. However, after some time the fortune began to wane. Still, I carried it with me. One day, it burned me. But, only once, so I didn’t think much of it.

The amulet was deceptive and beautiful. Over time it began to bring great misfortune, but for some reason I thought it had something to do with how I was carrying the amulet or storing it or maybe I was just carrying it too often.

However, yesterday I realized that none of these things were true. It was just the amulet. It was a harm to me. I was devastated, but the amulet is now locked away in a box. I plan to never touch it again until perhaps one day I am even stronger and able to cast it away altogether.

7:21 AM

Oh Elder Tree,

I am writing 10 minutes before I have to go to the apothecary, so I will be swift. I am tired of being lied to. Even if it is because someone is lying to themselves as well. It is humiliating for both of us. I have a long day ahead, and I can already feel myself drifting. Hopefully this potion is potent. Hopefully, I will be back later tonight to tell you that it worked.